mayday

wow, i can't believe it's already may...  days only lasts so long and weeks are flying by even with so very little on my plate these days.

it's a normal thursday, and the lius have definitely got our routine established. it's a nice one, filled with food, the latest show we're watching ('once upon a time' now replaced by 'running man'), lots of internet browsing/fb stalking (for me =P), and the occasional walk in the park. c found a really nice park near our place, lots of dog-walkers and joggers, kids playing soccer, and the very odd but consistent group of middle-aged asian men playing vball on the grass. it doesn't have the uphill workout of my diamond bar route, but friendly and pleasant enough on late afternoons.

it's such a good life.

i enjoy it whenever i can truly stop in the moment to think about how good life is and how fortunate we are to be able afford living off one-income in the silicon valley. i love how in sync we were when we chose our humble abode, it just makes perfect practical sense and fits our current needs to a tee (in-unit washer and dryer to boot! woot woot). we are debt-free and that's to the credit of our hardworking, thrifty, wise-investing parents (and to God, who truly takes care of those who love and serve him) 

the happy feelings don't always last long though, i'm continually plagued with guilt.

shouldn't i be working... or something???

i feel antsy, eager to be off and accomplishing incredible things (career-wise). the foremost being that i still haven't really achieved complete financial independence. that was a goal i had when i graduated from fuller, that i wanted to be financially independent in 2 years' time. working 3 part-times (totally not as scary as it sounds, since those three jobs equaled to one regular part-time job) never got me too far, only far enough to pay my own way through my own bills (still, that was fairly satisfying), dipping into a generous parent-given savings for the occasional splurge to see the world! (i would give up quite a few things for opportunities to see more of the world). i never got the chance to rent my own place, a little flat or studio to call my own as a single person with my own chosen drapery, sheets, and small kitchen things (i did get to re-paint my bathroom a fabulous lime green paired with vintage damask shower curtains, which was my initiation and foray into the world of color and design away from the eggshell of my parents' walls).

i know i'm not alone in this 20-something identity-crisis. others have questioned their calling/vocation/jobs, some have already switched careers... yet, year by year, peers have become more and more established in their chosen fields. i love getting together with my jr-h friends, and realizing we are career women now, our clothes and education background say so (2 doctors, 1 lawyer, 1 teacher, 1 therapist, 1 nurse-to-be)... though i still feel intimidated by those who can drop $300 on a bag or pair of shoes because of their choice to begin working straight out of college (impressive, unattainable for myself b/c i'd rather spend that money traveling). i guess i just thought i'd be there already...

in half a year's time, i'll be 30 and while i don't feel my age at all (i still feel 25! i still feel like i'm just out of college :p haha, i know that's not true. humor me), life is continually moving at a pace that feels slightly too quick and i realize that i value so highly productivity and not being wasteful, good values that are contributing to my restlessness and existential angst. (total first world problems :p)

i guess part of growing up is letting go and living confidently in the boundaries of what's available to each limited person's limited resources (time, skill, and money). How ironic that an abundance of choice actually erodes our happiness...anyway, i have a choice to make about my future, to continue to pursue a 'career' means continuing as a MFT (the never-ending pursuit for client hours), or to do something else that offers more direct validation (here's a task i completed, now pay me handsomely for it! one can only dream...:p)

i guess the only way to find out is to *try*

wedding banquet

hmm, blogger's got a new layout... i haven't played around enough with the old one to even miss it.

i meant to blog about this after my own wedding, just never got around to it until after amy jae's. 

i get it. i get why jesus compares his return to the analogy of a wedding banquet. it is a once in a lifetime event, extravagant (even small scale weddings are beautiful for the ceremony involved; here i'm picturing braveheart and a wedding amongst peasants in the scottish countryside :p... there's beauty in a ceremony where everything and everyone else steps aside for just one day, the day is reserved for the couple, interruptions are sacrilegious... there is a special dress, just a tad above an ordinary one, some adornment, a party as much as those can afford... something really special about weddings. in whatever ways each culture and people group can afford to, marriages, especially those made out of choice, are celebrated...)

there is something amazing about being surrounded by all your favorite family and friends.  all the ones that matter usually will find some way to be there

surrounded by so much love and support

vowing and promising yourself to your one

a future and lifetime of togetherness, whether in joyful or woeful circumstances

in the bible, jesus speaks of the church as his bride. who he laid down his life for to redeem. that's how much he loves her. he is the best answer to the world's search for love.

and on that day, the entire creation will celebrate this union. in the same way, all our family and friends came together for us (and only us) on that one special day, all of creation will celebrate when jesus and his bride, the church is reunited. no longer separated by sin or death or pain. he's conquered it all.

oh, what a celebration that's gonna be.

i'm betting on lots of dancing

:)

and on that similar note, i'm so glad we're married <3 c is an incredible, humble loving husband; it may have taken the long road but i do believe god knew what he was doing when our paths finally crossed. i hope to remember often the incredible love i have available to me. good friends' weddings are apt reminders of our journey...

vent...re-vent... reinvent

i got to visit EV last last weekend, i don't feel like i've left at all..., i hope i will always feel that way. i relied on the p-side of me all weekend, didn't really plan anything out until i got there day by day, meet-up by meet-up, and things did work out more or less. i didn't get to do exactly everything i wanted to, but still got to see a good amount of people all packed into one weekend (good thing for the LONG solitary drive back, all to my introvert self! haha :p)

so, one of the weirdest things said over the weekend was this comment: "i'm glad i don't have a daughter, you don't have to worry about her getting pregnant!"

my knee-jerk reaction - wtf?

good thing i was slow to react b/c i kept the shock to myself... then, to my surprise, majority of the ladies in that group agreed...

really? -- am i the only one that disagrees? (i personally would love to have a daughter)

maybe it was simply a shocking/funny thing to say in the moment and not meant to be over-thought about (it's def. meant as a joke... i think :p). i stopped to think about what was being said, and it struck a nerve. i didn't think it was funny... (the implication of the comment)

1) does this mean it's okay for your teenage son to go running around impregnating other people's teenage daughters (as long as you don't have to deal with the consequence of it/baby born out of wedlock)?
2) even more so, do you have such little confidence in yourself and your spouse's ability to parent? are you planning on being shabby parents? (i don't think that's true at all of the gal who made the comment either, and so it made it weird that she would say that!).

ok, so someone did temper the conversation by adding 'it's probably not good for teenage sons to go running around making other girls pregnant' (thought #1). still... the general group consensus seemed to be, that's funny and true! (not true! i thought to myself :p)

now the interesting thing was... the same phrase was parroted nearly word for word by one of the original girls present to a different group of girls who sat around watching the guys play bball on sunday after church.

none of these other girls really had a reaction, they probably didn't know how to respond. nobody agreed or disagreed, the comment simply dropped from the conversation b/c it felt out of place. maybe that gal repeated the comment b/c it was so funny. nobody in the second group picked up on it and laughed.

anyway, i was upset by the comment and the response from the group (it reminded me of the whole, whoever is most dominant in the group will influence the rest of the group). it took me awhile to formulate #2 response (above), which i felt like was what the comment was really saying :p i felt all smug.

...

then i find myself, a few days later, having a conversation with college friends talking loudly about how scared i am of having children. i said some mildly shocking things about children... it's mostly b/c i'm sooo scared of the responsibility of it and the sacrifices it would require out of me. outside of EV girls, the general attitude towards children is much more positive, more along the lines of: "aww, children are so cute and nice!"... i am nurturing in some ways, but really have no idea how to interact and extremely inexperienced in how to care for infants.

then i realize that i said some funny/shocking/not-so-nice things about children out of my fear/insecurity... so maybe the gal was simply 1) not thinking through what she is really saying (wanted to say something shocking for the attention and entertainment value it would provide to her guests) or 2) actually disappointed not to have the chance to have a baby girl of her own (totally projecting here) or 3) something else altogether (who knows. not a mind-reader)

in the end, i guess my lesson learned is simply to keep shocking/funny things to myself :p esp when it involves having children in conversations in the future. b/c i do plan to have family one day, and it will be an amazing blessing and growing-up experience i believe. i am actually really looking forward to one day having kids, though it feels more of a fantasy right now (un-real).

then, i heard the news that olivia tsai is born.

and it's weird how a little being i have never met before can make me love her from all the way over here when i think about her tiny existence. she hasn't done a thing to make me love her, she isn't even aware of who i am yet... but i do, i hold an affection for her existence :) i smile when i think of this little baby girl, outside the womb she is real (inside, not so much :p). i want her best. i wish her to be surrounded always by love.

so, on that happy feeling/thought, i leave the original vent behind. that's not my issue, i just need to work on my own feelings towards having children and the shocking/funny things i say sometimes about that.

hello, olivia :) can't wait to say that to you in-person <3

blog/week

so i want to *try* to blog once/week. preferably on thursdays. thursdays are chris' long days at work, which means i have a day to myself to entertain said me in whatever format i see fit. good time to free-associate.

awhile back, i wanted to write about a passage that showed up twice recently. usually when the same piece of scripture pops out at me, it makes me take notice... G, that you?

1 peter 3:13-17, an 'accidental' passage preached and a sunday school lesson taught. i had some thoughts, and since i was lazy at the time and didn't bother to write them down then and there, i forgot what i learned. :P even so, i want to at least write the passage down in case it shows up again... third time's the charm? (it *will* show up soon i think too, our new sg is going thru 1 peter :P)...

the passage talks about doing good, for good > bad. even if you suffer when you do good, it's ok. your conscience is clear, god knows/jesus went thru the same thing, so that he can bring us to god... in the same way, when we continue to do good, and suffer for it, it becomes a more compelling testimony for christ for others.

and... "always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have" (v.15)...

i guess i always feel slightly unprepared to give an answer. if i had to give my testimony in 3 mins, can i do it with well?...most of the time, i feel rusty. i haven't engaged in the difficult questions non-christians naturally ask in quite some time. the last time i did, i took a bit of a verbal beating. it felt too much like verbal sparring. that verse *always* convicts me b/c i need to train more...

the other part of the passage talks about doing "good" and not caring if you suffer for it spawned some thoughts too.

maybe it's the childhood trauma of being called a "goodie tooshie" by no less than other christian kids -- the disdain and loathing that came with the term branded in me something that does *not* want to be equated with *that*

and i admit, a lot of times, i don't particularly like "christian" things trying to make it into mainstream culture... it feels too cheesy, contrite... seems to lack depth/reality. this could be music, film... books. (i recently read a christian fiction book chris lent me, it's actually not bad but an interesting genre to begin with). i smell what i feel like is propaganda a mile away, and if i groan inwardly and recoil, these things couldn't stand a chance with non-christians... then i wonder, what is that is so offensive about these things?

what is it about 'christian' songs/movies that make it seem so sub-par? is it that it's outdated? is it the lack of talent/skill? (maybe some of that :P)... we aren't supposed to play "catch up" with popular culture (pop culture by definition should be worldly), the gospel is relevant w/out needing to be diluted to be accepted... there needs to be dialogue. a cultural-exchange, so to speak.

i don't really know, but the passage and these things clicked together for the first time. maybe it's okay to be good and cheesy (to be less critical/proud/judging). ppl should celebrate "goodness" whatever form it takes... but even if they hate you for being good/mock what is a good, you don't stop doing good, you continue to do your thing and put them to shame for boohooing you in the first place. suddenly seeing ned flanders in a different light. what's wrong with cheese? haha :p

anyway... i'm running late to put my pot on to roast in time for dinner. so, off i go...be back in a week~

introversion & creativity

i watched a video on fb today, one of those TED video clips, where this lady was championing the virtues of introversion to a big audience. i gathered she wrote a book about it, and must be somewhat famous/successful to make it as a TED speaker.

to summarize, she believes (and maybe has research to prove it :p) creativity happens more in solitude/contemplation/quiet, that western society has not placed as much value on introversion when compared to extroversion, a society where "personality"//charisma //extroversion seems to have more pull, than a quiet, reflective stance.

this value has shaped education down to the very detail that classrooms are often now set up these days, tables in groups for team-work and cooperation, versus the straight desks/rows of the antiquated past. while she repeatedly explains her goal is not to say introversion is better than extroversion in society (we need both + traits exists on a continuum), but that introversion should not be dismissed as less valuable of a trait.

she hypothesizes that think-tanks can be more effective if individuals come up with their own solutions to the problem (instead of thinking in a group). she mentioned something about how mirror neurons (something i know a thing or two about) naturally adapts to social cues of others, and we automatically begin to be swayed by the most dominant individual of any group, whether or not their idea/opinion actually is any good (something i don't really know about, but is an interesting idea to entertain!). maybe responsible for the bay of pigs? ;)

and introspection, times of solitude (things introverts are excellent at)... actually brings deeper thoughts and new ideas... in other words, helps foster creativity... b/c each person thinks about the same thing in just slightly different terms, some thinking-alone might just be the key. then you come together and discuss findings to solve problems... anyway, that's a rough and not very comprehensive summary.


my reaction:
-i like being an introvert. i like thinking about stuff. connections. life-things. people/relationships. i like reading and exploring fictional worlds.
-it's nice to have someone out there working to balance the whole introversion/extroversion thing; for sure, i have felt out-of-place in a society that values extroversion... mostly, i have not learned how to be assertive (and is still in the process of learning how to be more assertive :p). my most frequent comment from report cards through grade school has to do with how quiet i am. a label that i don't quite particularly enjoy or hold true of myself.... although, i suppose if i am the teacher observing myself, i would say the same thing :P still, nice to have some encouragement to just be myself *caveat: she differentiates btw shyness (fear of social rejection) and introversion.
-yes, i miss being creative. and those creative juices tend to flow when i have more time on my hands and i'm by myself. being married means having someone within reach/easy access most of the time... that's great for companionship, but i do notice that i've blogged less (and ate more) both times when i'm dating than when i'm single. ha! if being married is like perpetually dating (it is! :D), then i better maximize the apart times :p

so... i mean, it's not to say too much about anything but that i do miss writing and being introspective, i do have a lot to say and find writing the easiest way still to do it... and i'm going to try again to have more alone time, to devote to writing/reflecting/coming up with things only may's brain can come up with :-)

there, i feel a little bit more myself already :-)

what's in a name?

thanks tif for the encouragement :) i know what i have to do is just not care and write something (anything, really, to get the ball rolling again). so while i have time, i'm gonna try to journal again.

...

yesterday, i visited the social security office and began the process of changing my last name. the first step in a series of steps of becoming "one."

so many people do things differently these days, there is more freedom to how one goes about changing one's name post-marriage. someone said something wise to me, that in the short term, not changing your last name is easier, but in the long term, changing your last name will make things easier (yeah, for sure, there are things like joint bank accounts, mortgages, insurance policies, etc). it's true... we do want to be a married entity, and that would require more legwork on my part now, for less work/hassle in the long run.

it's one of those things that i never gave too much thought to, i placed in the same category as "how do i want my wedding dress to look like?" i really didn't think too much about it when i was single, since it's a non-issue :p

but by the time chris & i went to the county clerk to register for our marriage license, i had already decided to change my name to "may mei-chia liu," all i had to do was type it into the computer myself, and the system will know recognize me as a different name that determines how i am to be known to the rest of the world, especially for those who have yet to meet me.

some women chose to put their maiden name as their middle name (if they didn't have one or isn't too partial to begin with). that would make me "may tsai liu," i would be normally known as "may liu" and get to keep some association with the last name i've been known by all my life. it would allow professionally, some connection between past and present. i, on the other hand, like my middle name, it was the name i grew up to in taiwan, i was mei-chia before i was may, so i wanted to keep that part of my name.

some (more progressive?) women chose to keep their last name, or combine their last names. Some men would also change their last names to reflect a combination of the two individuals... that didn't seem to make too much sense to either chris or me. 'tsai-liu' or 'liu-tsai' are both equally awkward... my sister-in-law made the good point that liu-tsai is slightly better than lau-tsai. truthfully, it's not a good combo for a last name (tsai) that already so resembles (sai) :P to add any "L"s to... nope, not for us.

so, i'm still not sure if i should have put "tsai" as my middle name and dropped "mei-chia" altogether (i would still know it, less wordy as a name as a whole), or maybe dropped both parts to simplify my name (something tells me there are more may liu's than may tsai's). still, it's the original decision i made when i signed up for the marriage contract, which will become more official as i get my documents in order. (next up: driver's license).

so, i am now... may liu.

i don't really know her yet. it looks funny when i sign e-mails or the backs of checks going into our joint bank account. i have yet to introduce myself as may liu to a complete stranger, but i suppose it's only a matter of time before somebody new calls me by my new name.

the bible tells of numerous stories of when god changes someone's name to signify a new identity or purpose for that individual. i remember going thru the bible study series at EV where we learned about god's different names and how it reflects various characteristics of god.

i wonder if peter ever missed being simon, or abraham abram, sarah sarai, paul saul, or if the new thing god was doing in their lives surpassed their former association(s).

more importantly, how did they decide how their new signatures should look like?? jk :P

And we're back...

Wow, it's been so long since I've blogged, I can hardly believe how I used to blog so regularly on Xanga. Chris & I have settled nicely into our new place although soon after we were kicked out so the apt units can be fumigated. We went to a meeting, where we informally got to meet some of our neighbors. People are funny...

Overall, adjusting to married life has been great so far. I really enjoy our extra time together. I think it's so enjoyable because of the low stress overall in my life right now... We'll see if things get more crazy when life gets more crazy!

It's true what they say, that benign married is not too much different than dating life. I felt like the time of our courtship has already been establishing and building towards what life together might be like, mostly because of the time we spent cooking together, spending downtime together, knowing what each other's habits are beforehand. I think it always felt like marriage was something Chris was looking forward to, so he would take opportunity to incorporate it to a certain extent while we were dating... I admit, the first week it felt more like we were "playing house," going thru housekeeping as a fun new thing together. I'm sure over time the novelty will wear off, but I hope not the joy of it---I deem it a privilege and blessing that we can be married to one another, and I am grateful especially for this short period of my life where I again find myself with less responsibilities in the outside world (feels a lot like I am reverting back to my college days) and at least for this first month after the wedding, I want to put my marriage first (and I am grateful Chris' work allows me to take a breather from my career).

So here we are, a few days away from our apt and with spare time to blog (excuse the typos, this iPad has weird auto correct feature), I hope to work backwards and capture at least a slice of my current life stage so I can look back and read about it one day in the future.

I do miss my ev community, but that can be another post.