wow, i can't believe it's already may... days only lasts so long and weeks are flying by even with so very little on my plate these days.
it's a normal thursday, and the lius have definitely got our routine established. it's a nice one, filled with food, the latest show we're watching ('once upon a time' now replaced by 'running man'), lots of internet browsing/fb stalking (for me =P), and the occasional walk in the park. c found a really nice park near our place, lots of dog-walkers and joggers, kids playing soccer, and the very odd but consistent group of middle-aged asian men playing vball on the grass. it doesn't have the uphill workout of my diamond bar route, but friendly and pleasant enough on late afternoons.
it's such a good life.
i enjoy it whenever i can truly stop in the moment to think about how good life is and how fortunate we are to be able afford living off one-income in the silicon valley. i love how in sync we were when we chose our humble abode, it just makes perfect practical sense and fits our current needs to a tee (in-unit washer and dryer to boot! woot woot). we are debt-free and that's to the credit of our hardworking, thrifty, wise-investing parents (and to God, who truly takes care of those who love and serve him)
the happy feelings don't always last long though, i'm continually plagued with guilt.
shouldn't i be working... or something???
i feel antsy, eager to be off and accomplishing incredible things (career-wise). the foremost being that i still haven't really achieved complete financial independence. that was a goal i had when i graduated from fuller, that i wanted to be financially independent in 2 years' time. working 3 part-times (totally not as scary as it sounds, since those three jobs equaled to one regular part-time job) never got me too far, only far enough to pay my own way through my own bills (still, that was fairly satisfying), dipping into a generous parent-given savings for the occasional splurge to see the world! (i would give up quite a few things for opportunities to see more of the world). i never got the chance to rent my own place, a little flat or studio to call my own as a single person with my own chosen drapery, sheets, and small kitchen things (i did get to re-paint my bathroom a fabulous lime green paired with vintage damask shower curtains, which was my initiation and foray into the world of color and design away from the eggshell of my parents' walls).
i know i'm not alone in this 20-something identity-crisis. others have questioned their calling/vocation/jobs, some have already switched careers... yet, year by year, peers have become more and more established in their chosen fields. i love getting together with my jr-h friends, and realizing we are career women now, our clothes and education background say so (2 doctors, 1 lawyer, 1 teacher, 1 therapist, 1 nurse-to-be)... though i still feel intimidated by those who can drop $300 on a bag or pair of shoes because of their choice to begin working straight out of college (impressive, unattainable for myself b/c i'd rather spend that money traveling). i guess i just thought i'd be there already...
in half a year's time, i'll be 30 and while i don't feel my age at all (i still feel 25! i still feel like i'm just out of college :p haha, i know that's not true. humor me), life is continually moving at a pace that feels slightly too quick and i realize that i value so highly productivity and not being wasteful, good values that are contributing to my restlessness and existential angst. (total first world problems :p)
i guess part of growing up is letting go and living confidently in the boundaries of what's available to each limited person's limited resources (time, skill, and money). How ironic that an abundance of choice actually erodes our happiness...anyway, i have a choice to make about my future, to continue to pursue a 'career' means continuing as a MFT (the never-ending pursuit for client hours), or to do something else that offers more direct validation (here's a task i completed, now pay me handsomely for it! one can only dream...:p)
i guess the only way to find out is to *try*
i've always felt that existential angst/crisis, but it's what drove me to do what i do now (or pursuing to do). i think a small part of it is that as believers we never feel like we fit because we are longing for more, maybe something that's even out of this world.
ReplyDeletei could see you being the best mother-FT there is!